Raphael Callum

Pic from this site.

Writing is my catharsis. There are a lot of ideas and thoughts that I deem too personal for a blog. But then again, this one incident in my life needs to be written down, recorded, blogged, however personal it may sound. Only because I want to 'bottle' up the feelings and experience. So that one day, our children can read and know about him.

We named him Raphael Callum. Raphael because Chuy is a big fan of Rafael Nadal and Callum because it sounds different and starts with C.

I remember that night when we learned he was there in our lives. I was 2 weeks delayed. Since this already happened before and we had false alarms, I was certain it was another 1 of those things. Chuy only convinced me to get a pregnancy test because I was going to have an X-ray the next day. So I did.

I was watching the test kit with excitement mixed with fear. Excitement that it might just reveal 2 lines; fear that it won't. Then slowly, it showed 1 very clear line and 1 faint line. I knew it was positive. We were ecstatic! I was almost afraid that Chuy would jump out of the window because of excitement. But don’t worry, he didn't.

We went to my OB-Gyne the next day. From my computation, we were only 5 weeks pregnant so an OB consult was too early, but we were excited. Looking back, I almost wish we didn’t consult that early. Because when that first consult ended, I had a nagging feeling that something wasn't right.

Our OB assured us and I went out of the clinic with medications and injections and all the works and yet, the nagging feeling persisted. Rafa’s size wasn’t what was expected of a 5-week old embryo. A week after, we were certain something was wrong. He still didn’t grow as expected and his heartbeat was very weak. Despite our prayers and medication, his heartbeat completely stopped when he was around 9 weeks.

I couldn't even describe my feelings, much less Chuy's, after all that. I could surely tell you that it felt like a roller coaster ride. Wait, no, it felt more like watching a movie but this time, we were the main characters.  A movie that ended sadly.

Our minds were filled with questions:  Why give us something that we wanted badly and take it away from us that soon and that way? Why give us hope then crush it just after several weeks? Why would He take away Rafa from us? Do we not deserve to be parents? Why didn't He give our child a chance to live? Deep in our hearts, we knew these question will be answered in due time. But sometimes, it just helps to be brats and ask a lot of stupid or rhetorical questions. It felt good to be a drama queen at that time.

As I am writing this blog, the answers to our questions are unfolding one by one. We knew there might be questions that will remain unanswered. But one thing's for sure, Rafa will remain in our hearts.

We will never forget to tell our children that they had a brother. We learned that behind every tragedy is a blessing. A blessing that I might just write about when I get the time and courage to do so. You see, it’s another very personal story. 

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Tanders

Gone were the days when I can stay up to the wee hours of the night and get to work just in time.

Last Friday, my girl friends and I decided to meet up in our favorite tambayan back in college. All throughout the night, we were feeling nostalgic and tried to compare what happened during our 'college days' with that night. Which made us come up with a list. Well, technically, it was me who sorted it out in a list.

You know you are getting old when...

• Loud music gives you headache.
• It irritates you when you can't carry a normal conversation around a noisy place.
• You feel that the band's music is interrupting your conversation and you give the vocalist a knowing look.
  
• Everyone around you is wailing, shouting and standing up in their seats, while you stay in yours and wonder what's wrong with them.
• You reminisce all the fun stuff you did... 10 years ago.
• You wish that the next band plays acoustic. You even pray for it!
• You get drank after your 2nd bottle of beer and you still have buckets of unopened ones on the table.
  
• You start to get shocked by minis and tube tops.
• Instead of thinking, I won't wear that (referring to minis and tube tops), you tell yourself, "I will never let my kids wear stuff like that."
  
• The guy on the next table gives you a smile and you give him a 'don't-even-think-about-it-cause-I'm-way-older-than-you' look.
• The reason you go out is really to bond with friends, catch-up and don't give a care about getting drunk anymore. Most of the times, at least.
  
• You realized at the end of the night, it's not them, but you, who's out of place.
  
• You go home at 10pm and it feels like 2 am and you can't even wake up on time to get to work

It was fun doing that, for one night. But as we were about to part, we knew that the next time we meet, it would be in a coffee shop, with instrumental music in the background. Or anywhere where we we didn't have to shout over each other's head to be heard.

I know you can add up to the list, and I am interested to know. You know you are getting old when...? Read more!

You may call it narcissism if you'd like. But it's not.

This blog is probably my longest existing online 'thing' (aside from my Yahoo e-mail address). I like trying anything new online. I remember convincing my med school classmates to make their own Friendster accounts so that I'd have friends the first time it came out. When everyone had one, I deleted mine. I also remember creating a Multiply account for sharing of pictures and blogs. But that too didn't last when almost everyone I knew had one. Just a few months ago, I deleted my Facebook account because I got too fed up reading the news feed. I created a new one, but just for updates from family and friends.

I just realized then that my blog survived the 'delete' button because unlike everyone else, no one can create my posts, much less, immortalize my thoughts in here. In this page, I am the boss of me.

I blog to immortalize my thoughts. So that one day, when I re-read my posts, I'd have a reason to laugh and as a bonus, looking back would be more vivid. Sometimes I read to share my journey so that others may learn, if they want to. This was evident during my DTTB (Doctor to the Barrios) experience. But that only comes second to immortalizing my thoughts. I also blog to vent out, share amazing discoveries or tips or just create random thoughts.

But I know I will continue blogging mainly for myself. No, not to brag or bombard the readers with me-posts. But just to extend the life of my thoughts and experiences, hopefully, as long as the web lasts. It's always a bonus when someone picks up something from my entries or they get inspired. That's the icing on my cake.

This is my entry for the The Blog Rounds.
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The End

Photo from here

It was going to be hard. I knew that. But I didn't know it was THIS hard.

I chose to rotate at the Supportive, Palliative and Hospice Care unit of our institution this February for 2 reasons. First, it's only 28 days (2-3 days shorter than your regular month) and I will be done with it soon. There's just something about palliative care and terminal care that makes me uncomfortable.

I know it's not because I fear my own death. In fact, I always tell Chuy my death plans: no intubation, DNR (do not resuscitate), cremation and I already know to whom I will give my priceless collection of books and stamps.

As I was faced with a dying patient this afternoon, I couldn't think. I didn't even know what to write in the chart or what to say to the patient's family, especially her daughter. It started with a lump in my throat and I knew that any moment, it will roll down my cheeks. I had to excuse myself.

As I was going out of the room, I was wondering why this reaction? I know I'm a toughie especially about patients. I am almost always objective and that's not hard to do.

But as I let my tears flow freely after the rounds, my Senior made me realize what it was about -- I empathized too much. I can relate to what the daughter is going through. After all, she's also a doctor. I imagined myself going through the same thing with the people I love. Not patients, this time.

I don't fear my own death but I fear the death of my loved ones. And that's awfully hard to think about. Harder to talk about. Now I wish February is longer so I can deal with this.

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Samu't Saring Kwento

Photo from here

After attending a research summit today, I realized several things.

First, primary care in the country needs major make-over. I was seated right beside a Malaysian primary care physician. He was surprised that I was training in a hospital. He asks, "You practice primary care in a tertiary hospital?" Yeah, that made me think. Primary care should ideally be outside hospitals. After all, being in the hospital defeats most of our goals. I hope I live to see the day when primary health care in this country is really primary in nature.

Second, age can sometimes be your liability, especially in the field of medicine. I was the youngest in our group and I felt like I had to exert more effort to be heard. I felt like I always have to prove my credibility. Or maybe it's just me. But I swear, I had several statements ignored. But when another consultant said something of similar meaning, they listened! Sadness.

Lastly, language can be a very big barrier. I felt left out because my group mates discussed in Bisaya. I have nothing against the language or the people, but I felt insulted by the act. They know I can't understand it. But they went on discussing in it! I was so glad when the small group discussions ended.

It was a fruitful yet stressful day.

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Blah Blah Blah

Issues, issues. Sometimes, don't you just wish that your brain stops working so that you don't have to think about these things? I have too many things running in my head that you I feel very tired when all I did these past 30 minutes is sit... and think!

Issue No. 1: I was quietly studying when something caught my attention online. I couldn't get over it. Gathering from what I learned from counseling sessions, they say that I must recognize this feeling to finally know its root (in other words, where is it coming from?).

Ok, I feel unimportant. It probably came from other people being chosen before me. Is that a normal reaction? Most probably? But that bothering me this much is probably not. Then what do I do with it?

I don't know. Blog about it? But will that make me feel important? Maybe not. But at least I am getting it out little by little.

Issue no. 2. It's hard working with people you who brings up negative energy in you. It's harder when you choose to work with them.

At times like these, I choose to read Psalm 140, which my friend Yaya shared to me when I was in a similar situation a few weeks back.



span style="font-weight: bold;">
Psalm 140 (King James Version)

¹Deliver me, O LORD, from the evil man: preserve me from the violent man;

²Which imagine mischiefs in their heart; continually are they gathered together for war.

³They have sharpened their tongues like a serpent; adders' poison is under their lips. Selah.

⁴Keep me, O LORD, from the hands of the wicked; preserve me from the violent man; who have purposed to overthrow my goings.

⁵The proud have hid a snare for me, and cords; they have spread a net by the wayside; they have set gins for me. Selah.

⁶I said unto the LORD, Thou art my God: hear the voice of my supplications, O LORD.

⁷O GOD the Lord, the strength of my salvation, thou hast covered my head in the day of battle.

⁸Grant not, O LORD, the desires of the wicked: further not his wicked device; lest they exalt themselves. Selah.

⁹As for the head of those that compass me about, let the mischief of their own lips cover them.

¹⁰Let burning coals fall upon them: let them be cast into the fire; into deep pits, that they rise not up again.

¹¹Let not an evil speaker be established in the earth: evil shall hunt the violent man to overthrow him.

¹²I know that the LORD will maintain the cause of the afflicted, and the right of the poor.

¹³Surely the righteous shall give thanks unto thy name: the upright shall dwell in thy presence.

Argh, I just want my mind to stop thinking for just a moment! I need to find that book 'The Power of Now?' Where is it?

Crazy thoughts.

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Thank You

I am grateful because...

1. I have Chuy.
2. I am healthy.
3. Most members of my family are healthy.
4. I have a job.
5. I can say, write and do what I want without being shot or sent to prison anytime.

--

Owe Linapuhan this post.
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Hiatus

One thing that I fear happening, once I go into training, is this -- no time to write/blog.

I see it starting to happen. Of the few remaining free days that I have, all I want to do is read, sleep and spend time with my loved ones (not necessarily in that order). No time and energy to blog. But my mind is bursting with words waiting to be written down.

My mind wants to blog but my body can't. I want to sleep. This is so not me.

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Journal-worthy

“Your case is reportable.”

The day when your doctor tells you this is probably the day when you should start praying and if you already are, pray harder. A reportable case means that your condition is so rare that it is worth reporting in a journal (at least, for non-infectious cases).

Last Wednesday, I have seen my othorhinolaryngologist (ORL or ENT to you) for the nth time due to my tinnitus, which I have written about, 7 months ago. Since then, we have tried everything: from herbal (ginkgo biloba) to medical (antibiotic, steroid) to non medical (Valsalva maneuver), nothing worked. In fact, the tinnitus was getting worse.

This forced my doctor to order high imaging techniques like CTscan (which was read as normal). However, she saw something when she reviewed the plates. To be sure, she ordered MRI and MR venography. It sounds scary and expensive and it both is. As it turns out, she is right. I have a rare condition which I can’t even type or say! I am still in denial stage, I guess.

The bad news: only option is surgery(neuro-otology). The good news: at this point it is still elective (meaning, I can choose not to go through with for now). But when the tinnitus or my hearing loss gets worse, which hopefully doesn't, I have to go under the knife!

Sometimes, I feel like God is trying to make things 'lighter' by at least giving me a condition worthy of a few pages in a journal. But there are times when I can't even think of smiling. I am just glad that my doctor is one of the best, if not THE best, neuro-otologist in the country and she is referring me to the best neurosurgeon I know. It’s comforting to know that I am in the best possible hands, next to God.

But still, knowing what I know, it’s a scary road ahead.

~~~~

P.S. Thank God for Ipods (I can at least mask my tinnitus with R&B sounds) and blogs (for outlet).

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Payong Pag-Ibig ni Bob Ong

Hindi ko nakahiligan ang mag-forward ng e-mails, chain letters at gawin ung mga tags sa blog ko. Pero sa araw nito, di ko natiis na di magre-post. Gian in his YM today, have this status message: Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal, nakakatakot mahulog at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident of talagang tanga ka.

It caught my attention that I asked if I could re-post/re-use it. He said ok and that it came from Bob Ong. Oh yeah, why didn't I figure that out? One of my favorite Filipino authors, not only because he came from UP but, because he is really funny. He wrote Bakit Baligtad Magbasa ng Libro ang mga Filipino and ABNKKBSNPLAKO, among others.

I learned from The Personal Blog of David Gonzales that Bob Ong created the blog Bobongpinoy.com but later deleted it, maybe, to give way to his books.

Anyway, I am reposting one of his creations which made me laugh today. Sana, maka-relate kayo.

LOVE QUOTES ni Bob Ong

"Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

"Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

"Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

"Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

"Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya."

"Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

“Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan”

"Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

"Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal, nakakatakot mahulog at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka."

As usual, napatawa na naman ako ni Bob Ong. Thanks Gian! Paborito ko ung pang-4. Kayo?

~~~

Larawan galing dito. Read more!

Television and miracles

ER Generation. Doctors in our generation would definitely know ER, the TV series. It has become not only a part of our boob tube schedule in high school, like Friends, but for most of us, it has influenced our decision in becoming MDs.

Personally, it has catalyzed my dream of becoming a doctor.

Number 1 fan. Since we didn’t have cable then, I religiously watched the TV show every Tuesday on Channel 5. I watched the reruns and expectantly wait for the new season when one ends. Dr. Ross (George Clooney) has become my doctor friend A’s ultimate crush. Dr. Carter (Noah Wyle) has become mine. He actually inspired me to go into either Surgery or ER med. Only later to find out that ER Med was still non-existent when I entered med school.

The show to which I compare all. So pardon me if I say that no other medical show compares to ER. That’s why I can’t rave about shows like Chicago Hope (then) or Grey’s Anatomy (now) because they are NOT ER.

But there are other 'doctor' shows that I have come to love, but with less loyalty, after ER. One of my favorites would have to be House, MD by Hugh Laurie because of the cases and of course, his bedside manner. This, I believe, is actually similar to the old comedy series by Ted Danson who was playing an MD, also with poor bedside manner, Becker (Dr. John Becker).

Frasier is worth mentioning because the show is ultimately funny and has won several Emmys. Dr. Frasier Crane is a famous psychiatrist with a radio show played by Kelsey Grammer. Then there’s NipTuck. Uhm, need I say more about how yummy Christian Troy, played by Julian McMahon, is? Although for me, the show is sometimes bordering on 'unusual.'

Grey’s anatomy? I am not a fan because it is too EMO for me, so I leave it to my other colleagues to rave about it.

How far (or near) from reality? Watching ER before and after becoming a real doctor, I am surprised to only note ONE noticeable mistake that I remember up to this day: surgeons scrub before they put on their mask. Uhm.

My other doctor friends say that there are other parts of these shows that are way off with real practice. But come on, these are TV shows. Break from our life as doctors. Once I turn on the TV, my doctor brain shuts down (as much as it can), then I enjoy the show.

Movies and TV series are our escape from the real world. But what's amazing is, there are still some realities to it. That's why it sort of influences some of us, like me.

It might just happen. So when I see something 'impossible' like Meredith Grey revived after more than an hour (am I right?) of being brain dead, I tell myself (or anybody who’s watching with me) miracles do happen in TV. Just like they do in real life.

~~~

This is my contribution to The Blog Rounds 14 hosted at Em Dy's Pulse.

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(we)B Log

Why do I blog?

Because I like to document my life. I have this crazy dream that someday, I might be a little famous or die in a really 'heroic' way, that is worth covering on TV, then people will start reading about me. What a better way to chronicle everything than a journal right?

Or even if I don't become famous, I like to record the events in my life or bottle up my feelings and thoughts through writing.

But I couldn't successfully keep a conventional journal for the following reasons: my handwriting is bad, I mean, really bad; my fingers couldn't keep up with my thoughts, meaning, I usually lose my train of thought because I write so slow; and I hate hand writing.

Luckily, I type fast and accurately too (had typing lessons in High School). That's why I have been keeping my journals in the computer for a long time. So when my friend Melissa introduced me to Blogging, I was ecstatic. Finally! I can keep my journal without having to save, print and lose them!

Web Log

I remember that I learned about the word blog in med school. After convincing most of my classmates to make their Friendster account, I was convincing them to blog next. Then my classmate M.I. asked, 'Do you know where the word blog came from?'

'No.' And I thought I was the techie one here.

'Web Log. They shortened it to Blog.'

'Uhmm, nice trivia.'

Then I became addicted. It started out as an easier way, for me at least, to chronicle my life. Now, it is a habit.

What do I blog about?

I used to blog about my personal thoughts, my travel, unofficial review of movies, books or food. Now, I blog to share my more socially relevant experiences as a Doctor to the Barrios. When I stray to personal experiences, it is to update my family and friends whom I don't get to see often. It's usually an icing on the cake when a total stranger pass along and picks a few lessons or tips from this blog.

My blog was never meant to be a medical blog. I am just too much of a doctor most of the day that I want this blog to be my respite from that world.

Restrictions? I don't (or couldn't) write about the most personal thoughts or events of my life. I could only do that in my 'conventional' journal, meant for my eyes only. I am still not comfortable with the idea of strangers reading about my 'private' life, well, that is if there are strangers reading my blog. Are there?

--

This is my contribution to the 13th (Lucky 13!) ed. of The Blog Rounds being hosted by the Man of TBR, Bone MD.

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He said, she said

Picture from Sandra Sunnyo Lee

This is a tale of a HE and a SHE who did things differently but ended up teaching me some of the greatest lessons in life.

She was a developmental pediatrician. He was a surgeon. They couldn't be more different than day and night.

She has a ready smile for everyone and encouraging words to students (despite your hanging off the cliff grades). When your answer is wrong, she'd make it look like, it's the right answer to the wrong question.

He, on the other hand, is known for his off-topic 'kwentong barbero' lectures, the Merry Go Rounds (this is what we call his teaching rounds during our Clerkship surgery rotation) and knack for embarrassing you in front of an entire room of patients (and relatives), with or without your consent.

She was a mentor. He was a tormentor.

She taught Ethics and Microbiology. He taught what else but surgery?

She was uber nice. He was ... indescribable.

She taught me that being a physician starts with patient care. Do what your conscience tells you. Get your way with people by being the best person you can be. Doing what's right and what's proper will make you a great physician.

He, on the other hand, taught me that this is dog-eat-dog world. No once gets to the top by simply being nice. Watch your back. Be tough. Be ready -- be it in teaching rounds, a surgery, or life in general. Not being ready might cause you a patient's life.

She's a Yin. He's a Yang. Just the perfect combination of a mentor and a tormentor to teach me about surviving this complicated profession, and a more complicated life, outside it.

Thanks to Drs. Cielo B. Malijan and Harry Go. You might not know it, but you taught me valuable lessons in life. Thanks.

--

This is my contribution for The Blog Rounds, 9th ed, being hosted by PinayMegaMom.
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A moment recalled, a blog reposted... and more

Seventeen months ago, my friends and family thought I was losing my mind. In fact, there was a brief moment when I thought of the same thing. Imagine giving up a comfortable life in the city just to be sent to a remote, unknown area in the Philippines?

How I felt that time can never be described more perfectly, or should I say more accurately, than what I wrote in October 2006 in this very same blog. Here's a repost.

Craziest Thing Ever

In two days I am going on a pre-deployment seminar with the Department of Health's Doctors to the Barrios Program. I just realized this morning that this has got to be the craziest thing that I ever did in my lifetime and I am scared.

On a personal level, I am scared that I get deployed in a really remote area without even a mobile signal and I won't be able to text my family and friends. I am not afraid of the distance, I am more afraid of being isolated or not being able to talk to anybody when I do get lonely.

Professionally, I fear that I may not know enough to serve a municipality with about 15-20 barangays. I took the boards just two months ago! I am beginning to doubt my skills. Will I be able to deliver a baby without the benefit of anesthesia or even an IV line? Can I insert a CTT, alone, when I am faced with a stabbed patient? What will I do without x-ray or urinalysis?

I also fear that I might stagnate, intellectually that is. By the time I finish this job, most of my friends will be senior residents in their chosen fields. They already have honed their skills and gained a lot of knowledge. I, on the other hand, will only be starting.

I am praying and hoping that I never get too lonely or end up stupid in this job. As one of my friends said, only I can prevent that from happening. I just have to remember that and say in the end that this is not as crazy as I thought it is.

I would like to think that no other moment in my life, crossroad at that, can top this. It was a leap of faith, a sudden turn into an unknown road, a momentary loss of sanity. But it was, and still is, the best 17 months of my life. Why?

I thought serving thousands of our countrymen is more than enough. But I didn’t realize that I would find more treasures in this road as I go along the way – got published, twice, met my one true love, traveled to numerous places, met a lot of people and made friends with most of them, and FINALLY, I knew what field to specialize in. THAT for me, is priceless.

If I come through this crossroad again, I’d still choose this same road. After all, I can always take the other roads some other time. Like what I will be doing in 6 months’ time.

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The Doctor is Sick

I have never been really sick ever since I went to medical school. Except for a few times I had trangkaso, not-so-often asthma exacerbations (which I have learned to manage well) and that minor surgery I had during internship, I could say I am pretty healthy.

Now, I think, I am sick again! I have tinnitus -- that ringing in the ear, like there is a sound playing in your head, and only you can hear it! It’s pulsatile at that, on my left ear. Texted/ called/stalked my 3 friends who are ORLs (otorhinolaryngologists) or ENTs (ear nose and throat specialist), and spent the whole holiday searching for literature online, which left me worrying more!

As my friend jokingly said, I forgot to do only one thing -- see a specialist in person and have my ears looked into!

Sometime, I wish I knew less than I do now because every time I read tinnitus being associated with vascular anomalies, atherosclerosis, tumors, etc., I become nauseous! Seriously! Despite my doctor-friends saying 'it's nothing', whenever I think about what I know, what we studied in medical school, the worst case scenario, I don't feel like it's nothing!

Last night, the pulsatile tinnitus turned into a real buzz, like there’s a mosquito in my left ear. In panic mode, I called up my friend M, a 2nd yr ENT resident. He said that for the meantime, I use an IPod to mask the tinnitus. I didn’t know if I would laugh or take him seriously!

I watched DVD instead. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Read more!

Murphy's Law

If anything can go wrong, it will.

Yesterday, our Mayor asked me to go to the regional office of DOH. To look for a missing part of an x-ray, which is non-functioning in our RHU for the past 10 years.

The day started out really good because I got a free ride going to the DOH office in San Fernando, La Union. This is an hour and a half ride from our barrio. But as expected, I didn't find the missing part. I mean come on! It has been 10 years and the supply officers can't even remember it!

It was only 30 minutes past 10 when I finished my business. I was happy because I was going home straight to Manila. With only 100 pesos left in my wallet, I walked to the bank to withdraw my fare money which costs around 400 pesos. LandBank atms were offline so I went to BDO, again offline. I was still optimistic when I was walking to BPI because I was thinking, no, it couldn't be that all the ATM in the entire city are offline.

But guess what? BPI atms were also offline. And yes, it's possible that all ATMs in an entire city can go offline all at the same time! I was starting to panic because there was no way that I could get home to Manila because all my money are in those damn ATMs which are not working!

But of course, Murphy's Law will never beat me. I was hungry, panicky but I when I saw that big bug with red stripes, my stress melted. I decided to spend all my money on Chicken Joy and wait for those damn ATMs to go online.

Yummy chicken. Read more!

Star City

It's been a while since I've been to an amusement park. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I've been to one. Now that I have more free time than I can handle, I treated my cousins to Star City.

I know, I know. Star City is like more than 10 years old but for my 7 and 9 year old cousins Joeven and JV, Star City can never be too old for them.

This is probably my 3rd or 4th time in this place but this is the first time that I didn't get the ride all you can ticket. I was thinking that I've tried most of the rides there and I felt like I would get dizzy, with ease, this time. Besides, I thought that I really was getting too old for this type of fun.

With my tita, I became the official tagabantay ng bag and photographer.

I played with my Ixus and tried the different functions. Here are what I would call the products of my attempt at photography.

By the way, as you can see, the Ferris wheel was the one that got my attention.

I've figured that you can actually go to the same place several times and you you will never see it the same way.

This next picture reminded me so much of how life can be at times -- complicated. But fun complicated. To make it uncomplicated? Have a direction or a path.

That wasn't bad at all. I've always wanted to be a photographer and Star City reminded me of this.

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Half Full

In the past weeks, my spirit is really down because of some problems I had regarding my benefits from the LGU where i worked. For sometime, i felt like every working moment is hell. I've never felt this way since internship and i hate that feeling -- that you are only working just to work.

But since I've always had high standards especially in my profession, even though it's taking me so much effort to still give my best, i decided that I will. I will still work like I'm paid a million bucks, get through my contract here and make myself proud in the end.

Last Tuesday, I went o Candon City to file the Phil Health accreditation of the RHU. But before doing that, I had to have some papers notarized so I passed by a notary public. Surprises of all surprises, Atty. Tudayan, a board member in Candon City, didn't charge me a single peso when he learned that I am a doctor to the barrio. Especially when he learned that I am filing papers for a health program.

I went out of his office feeling glad that I am a doctor to the barrio. At this time when I am doubting if I my work is appreciated, I needed that to reassure me that people do appreciate my efforts and the rest of my colleagues in DTTB.

I remember at that moment what i always tell my friends, 'It's just a matter of looking at the glass as half empty or half full.'

I just realized then that sometimes, it's easier said than done. But after what happened, I know I should start seeing the glass as half full. After all, I have a lot to be thankful for. But that deserves another blog.

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What's in a name?

When people ask me what I do, sometimes I lie. I say I’m a writer, or a mountaineer or a cook, depending on my mood.

Ever since I went into med school, especially when I started going on duty in the hospitals, my name instantly changed to Doc/Doctor, just like everybody else in my class. And naturally, that name stayed when I passed the boards.

Being a physician is one of those professions where you are being called by your profession– just like being a lawyer, politician, priest or a nun. You get introduced and called as Dr, Atty, Father or Sister. Not that I mind, but being called Doctor 24 hours a day by almost everybody can be torture at times. I mean, businessmen are not called Mr. Businessman or accountants as Ms. Accountant. They are called by their names.

Besides, when a person calls you Doctor, it’s like a relationship is already established and it doesn’t leave room for anything else. He becomes my patient and I become his doctor (not necessarily at the moment, it could be in the near future). A boundary is already drawn. He suddenly sees you as somebody who can cure him. At this point, I’ve memorized that facial expression when a person is actually thinking what medical/health related problem he can actually ask me about once I get introduced as a doctor .

When we go to family gatherings, my relatives start asking me about proper diet or some symptom they’ve had 4 weeks ago or if I know somebody who can help them in their more specific illnesses. I always get that question, “Ano na nga name mo Doc?” I cannot blame them because I am always introduced as Doctor. It’s easier to remember Doctor so my real name is usually dropped.

Don’t get me wrong. I still want to be called Doctor. I wouldn't hesitate to kick a patients butt if he started calling me by first name, but ONLY in the clinic when I am in fact a doctor treating a patient. But in the public market or jeepney or bus is another matter.

That’s why I appreciate my family and close friends. Until now, I am still Che to them, especially to my Lolo and Lola. In fact, I know they will never see me as full pledged MD and that’s absolutely fine with me because they will always see me as their apo.

In these rare times when I get really sick of being called a doctor or treated as such, 24/7 and everywhere, I say I’m a writer or a mountaineer or a cook. Technically, I am not lying because I am a writer, although I don’t get paid for it. I am an excellent cook but still don’t get paid for it. I am a mountaineer since I climb mountains like 2-3 times a week. I just failed to mention my most important job.

So I am hoping that the next time I run into you, call me Che. Really, if you call me Doctor, I might just cut you up so as not to disappoint you.

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Road trip

The longest bus ride that I ever took, prior to my current job, was with my friends from med school when we had a North Luzon tour. I took longer land trips but usually in our family car and my dad driving. So long roads trips by bus are fairly new. I frimly believe that God makes me go through this long bus rides to test my patience, because I am a very impatient person.

Since November, I take the bus on the average of 12 hours a week or 48 hours a month. As I was telling my friend Angie the other day, I've already wasted 3 days of my life in buses. In this time and age where everything is instant, I can't help but feel like those 72 hours where really wasted. All the more, when I think of my colleagues in VisMin who take the plane and get to their destinations in less than an hour.

Since I am already a pseudo-expert on big buses, I've already learned a few things.

First, don't take the 1st bus that comes your way. Choose. Unlike before where I take the very 1st bus that comes, because I am afraid that will be the last one. As one of my friend's mom said, "There would always be one coming. Just like anything in life. We get second, third and even fourth chance." I believed her, but only on the bus part. Not about the other things in life.

Second, take the front seat if its vacant. Because I am a visual person, I like seeing everything in wide screen so there could be nothing better than the front seats.

Lastly, don't take seats in front of children. If an adult like me gets bored in these long road trips, what will you expect from children? Their attention span is 5 mins, max, and have energies equivalent to 5 bottles of Red Bull. They would have to find something to amuse themselves. Trust me, they can make your trip hell. You are lucky if they only put in maximum their PSPs or Game Boys' volume. But on unfortunate days, they resort to kicking the back of your seats, pulling your hair and even poking their fingers in between your seat. Before I took these bus rides, I was ambivalent to children. Now, I absolutely stay away from them if permitted.Kids will always be kids after all. And I am only human.

But don't let my pessimism get to you. If there are bad things about long bus rides, there are good things too. The 6 hours that I spend on the bus are considered MY time. These are precious hours where you can absolutely think, even rethink, about life. This is the best time to wonder if your cute seatmate is single? Or you even consider asking him yourself. Or why that creep across the aisle is ogling at you? Or why the driver drives so slow that you'd want to take over the steering wheel? Or why the hell are you thinking at all when you can be sleeping?

Then if you've thought of everything you can possibly think, there is the TV(with DVD, thank God). Don't worry, all air conditioned bus going north are equipped with 1. The best seats for watching movies in the bus are aisles seats, preferably from row 3 onwards. You'd strain your neck if you watch from the front seats. You'd see all kinds of movies. From cheap Pinoy movies, to great old foreign films. From the must-see to never-heard. But if you don't like what's showing, you can always resort to the previous activity -- thinking.

And then, you can always make friends in this long trips. Although I haven't personally done this, yet. If you are the type who can start up a conversation with a total stranger, then good for you. But you have to remember that at times when you just want to be left alone, I'm sure there are people who wants to be left alone too. So be cautious on being friendly with your seatmate.

Remember, you'd be in that bus, in that seat, at least for 6 hours. The very least thing you can do is make the trip comfortable for yourself and your seatmates too. Oh, and don't forget to look out the windows, especially during the day. The countryside is lovely.

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