Cap the Year

Perfect way to cap the year - salon treatments. Best part about them? Pampering and lots of time to read. It also made me think about the year that was.

This year has been one of the most tumultuous years I've had in my entire adult life. I remember that at the start of the year, I actually whined to God that nothing exciting happened to me in the past 2 years. I felt like my life was in a plateau. No fun, no nothing.

You know what they say, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. And I did. It felt like God made me ride a roller coaster - upside-down - just to teach me a lesson.

I'm sure you wouldn't want to know the details but I'd tell you anyway. This is my birthday post, so bear with me.

- B was diagnosed with cancer
- I got pregnant but lost Rafa after 8-9 weeks in my tummy
- granted permission to migrate
- Chuy leaving then coming back home after less than a month
- plans not falling into place
- finishing residency and studies

It wasn't all good but not all bad either. I know that God waits for the perfect time to give us what we wish for.

Just a few hours before I turn another year old, I was asking myself if this was where I imagined my self to be? Roughly, yes.

I imagine myself that at this age, I'd be a doctor, with a very successful private practice, married to a lovely man and we have kids. I have 2 out of the 4. Not bad, I think. I still have many years ahead of me to make the other 2 come true, and other dreams as well.

At this point, I can only be grateful for all the things that transpired this year - good or bad. It taught me to appreciate every morning that I wake up, every small moments of success, every little thing that I used to take for granted. But most importantly, it taught me not to ever, ever, question His will.

With a book in my lap, coffee on the table and a hairdresser making me look fabulous, what more can I ask for?

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Raphael Callum

Pic from this site.

Writing is my catharsis. There are a lot of ideas and thoughts that I deem too personal for a blog. But then again, this one incident in my life needs to be written down, recorded, blogged, however personal it may sound. Only because I want to 'bottle' up the feelings and experience. So that one day, our children can read and know about him.

We named him Raphael Callum. Raphael because Chuy is a big fan of Rafael Nadal and Callum because it sounds different and starts with C.

I remember that night when we learned he was there in our lives. I was 2 weeks delayed. Since this already happened before and we had false alarms, I was certain it was another 1 of those things. Chuy only convinced me to get a pregnancy test because I was going to have an X-ray the next day. So I did.

I was watching the test kit with excitement mixed with fear. Excitement that it might just reveal 2 lines; fear that it won't. Then slowly, it showed 1 very clear line and 1 faint line. I knew it was positive. We were ecstatic! I was almost afraid that Chuy would jump out of the window because of excitement. But don’t worry, he didn't.

We went to my OB-Gyne the next day. From my computation, we were only 5 weeks pregnant so an OB consult was too early, but we were excited. Looking back, I almost wish we didn’t consult that early. Because when that first consult ended, I had a nagging feeling that something wasn't right.

Our OB assured us and I went out of the clinic with medications and injections and all the works and yet, the nagging feeling persisted. Rafa’s size wasn’t what was expected of a 5-week old embryo. A week after, we were certain something was wrong. He still didn’t grow as expected and his heartbeat was very weak. Despite our prayers and medication, his heartbeat completely stopped when he was around 9 weeks.

I couldn't even describe my feelings, much less Chuy's, after all that. I could surely tell you that it felt like a roller coaster ride. Wait, no, it felt more like watching a movie but this time, we were the main characters.  A movie that ended sadly.

Our minds were filled with questions:  Why give us something that we wanted badly and take it away from us that soon and that way? Why give us hope then crush it just after several weeks? Why would He take away Rafa from us? Do we not deserve to be parents? Why didn't He give our child a chance to live? Deep in our hearts, we knew these question will be answered in due time. But sometimes, it just helps to be brats and ask a lot of stupid or rhetorical questions. It felt good to be a drama queen at that time.

As I am writing this blog, the answers to our questions are unfolding one by one. We knew there might be questions that will remain unanswered. But one thing's for sure, Rafa will remain in our hearts.

We will never forget to tell our children that they had a brother. We learned that behind every tragedy is a blessing. A blessing that I might just write about when I get the time and courage to do so. You see, it’s another very personal story. 

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Cooking Chinese Today

The goal to healthier us (that is, Chuy and I) started early last year. I can't remember exactly what triggered it but we just realized that we were not invincible. We are just as vulnerable to different lifestyle diseases if we don't do something about our health. For starters, we exercised regularly and vowed to decrease red meat in our diet, among other things. That meant I had to come up with healthier yet enticing new dishes for Chuy. 

I was never a fan of fish fillet dishes. That had to change though because my options are now limited. With red meat out of the scenario, half of what I used to cook with was gone from the list. Of the few fish dish that I like, my favorite is the fish fillet with garlic from Hap Chan. I searched for recipe but was not hopeful that I would get one. In fact, I was OK with a recipe close or similar to it. But thanks to a Filipino doctor, mom and blogger in Toronto, I got a recipe.  

I added stir fried bokchoy as a side dish, a tip that I got from 1 of the comments in that post. Chuy loved it, I loved it. Go try it. Kung Hei Fat Choy!

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Tanders

Gone were the days when I can stay up to the wee hours of the night and get to work just in time.

Last Friday, my girl friends and I decided to meet up in our favorite tambayan back in college. All throughout the night, we were feeling nostalgic and tried to compare what happened during our 'college days' with that night. Which made us come up with a list. Well, technically, it was me who sorted it out in a list.

You know you are getting old when...

• Loud music gives you headache.
• It irritates you when you can't carry a normal conversation around a noisy place.
• You feel that the band's music is interrupting your conversation and you give the vocalist a knowing look.
  
• Everyone around you is wailing, shouting and standing up in their seats, while you stay in yours and wonder what's wrong with them.
• You reminisce all the fun stuff you did... 10 years ago.
• You wish that the next band plays acoustic. You even pray for it!
• You get drank after your 2nd bottle of beer and you still have buckets of unopened ones on the table.
  
• You start to get shocked by minis and tube tops.
• Instead of thinking, I won't wear that (referring to minis and tube tops), you tell yourself, "I will never let my kids wear stuff like that."
  
• The guy on the next table gives you a smile and you give him a 'don't-even-think-about-it-cause-I'm-way-older-than-you' look.
• The reason you go out is really to bond with friends, catch-up and don't give a care about getting drunk anymore. Most of the times, at least.
  
• You realized at the end of the night, it's not them, but you, who's out of place.
  
• You go home at 10pm and it feels like 2 am and you can't even wake up on time to get to work

It was fun doing that, for one night. But as we were about to part, we knew that the next time we meet, it would be in a coffee shop, with instrumental music in the background. Or anywhere where we we didn't have to shout over each other's head to be heard.

I know you can add up to the list, and I am interested to know. You know you are getting old when...? Read more!