Sunday, April 09, 2006

Dark Circle Under My Eyes

As far as I can remember, I always had dark circles under my eyes. The cause of these is multi-factorial. First, it is genetic. My Dad has them and the law of nature says that I just have to inherit them. Secondly, I never had curfew since I was a kid, so I was so used to sleeping late that after many years, I acquired these dark circles. Now that I go on 24-hour to 36-hour duties, they are even darker. When I look at the mirror just before my duty ends, all I see are these. They got worse over the past two years that I use more and more of my concealer just to look like a human being.

Every time I look at the mirror, I cannot help but wonder what else in me has gotten worse aside from the circles? I cannot begin to describe the stress of these past two years – both physical and emotional -- which made me think if I was a better person or worse now. Just like the dark circles under my eyes, has my bad traits darken or disappeared and made me a more likable person? I cannot say for sure.

What I am sure of is I have learned to work with all kinds of people, acquired quite a number of skills, gained priceless knowledge about medicine and prayed more in the past 2 years. However, I have become more impatient, masungit with patients, jaded (or heartless as Shetty would put it) and definitely less physically fit.

I would like to think that I got better over the past years but I cannot leave out the fact that sometimes, I turn out to be like the monsters that I very loathe at the start of my training. Just thinking about this makes me cry, which darkens the circles, which makes me feeling uglier, which make me cry more… and the cycle is endless. I need more concealer if I want to go through this journey.

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