Photo from here
I chose to rotate at the Supportive, Palliative and Hospice Care unit of our institution this February for 2 reasons. First, it's only 28 days (2-3 days shorter than your regular month) and I will be done with it soon. There's just something about palliative care and terminal care that makes me uncomfortable.
I know it's not because I fear my own death. In fact, I always tell Chuy my death plans: no intubation, DNR (do not resuscitate), cremation and I already know to whom I will give my priceless collection of books and stamps.
As I was faced with a dying patient this afternoon, I couldn't think. I didn't even know what to write in the chart or what to say to the patient's family, especially her daughter. It started with a lump in my throat and I knew that any moment, it will roll down my cheeks. I had to excuse myself.
As I was going out of the room, I was wondering why this reaction? I know I'm a toughie especially about patients. I am almost always objective and that's not hard to do.
But as I let my tears flow freely after the rounds, my Senior made me realize what it was about -- I empathized too much. I can relate to what the daughter is going through. After all, she's also a doctor. I imagined myself going through the same thing with the people I love. Not patients, this time.
I don't fear my own death but I fear the death of my loved ones. And that's awfully hard to think about. Harder to talk about. Now I wish February is longer so I can deal with this.
3 comments:
There's this gray area between whats empathizing and empathizing too much. Tears, is the probably the best delineating "sign". Makes us more human than the god like training we get...
I too fear only for the loss of any of my loved ones.
Hi!
Here's a call for entries to TBR v.2 which I am hosting soon!
http://jaaraf.blogspot.com/2010/06/all-i-needed-to-know-i-learned-in.html
Hope you can send an entry!
I totally empathize with Merry Cherry. It also brings a lump to my throat seeing a patient die. That's the reason I didn't go to oncology. It will affect me too much. I hope I can say it gets easier to see patients die. Once you get used to. But not really. You'd have to be made of stone to get used to it. Sometimes I cry after the rounds. And then I console myself that at least I was there, and maybe the presence of someone who can sympathize was enough.
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